It was only 6:00 on a cold, snowy evening in the middle of February. My outgoing family, including my sister, wanted to brave the bad weather and go out for dinner with their friends. I did not want to do such a thing. I just wanted to stay home to read and write, especially since it was snowing outside. It was not snowing heavily, but I still preferred to stay home. Could it have been that I was overly anxious or depressed? If so, then was it because it wasnt bright and sunny outside? Or was it just because I was already a hermit to begin with? Well, to be honest with you, I would have to say that its a combination of both.
There is a famous preconceived notion that being depressed or feeling blue is a major character flaw. But is it really? Well, according to a recent report issued by the World Health Organization, more than 11 million people are diagnosed with clinical depression. So, could it have been that I was afflicted with this often misunderstood mental illness? I would have to say yes. Since I was diagnosed with a learning disability during my childhood, it was highly possible that it only caused my depression to worsen. But I will probably never know for sure if it really did or not.
There are normal people who fret over the lack of sunlight during the cold winter months. Since there is nothing else to do except stay inside or go to indoor events that are rather boring, they probably love to curl up in their armchairs and read, watch television, or go on the Internet. It is also possible that they love to write when the weather outside is not so pleasant, being that they probably have no other emotionally fulfilling activities to get their hands on. What they could be suffering with, therefore, is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). However, I would bet that some do have their loved ones surrounding their isolated dwellings for better emotional care and support. Is this to say that I was reluctant to have my mother, father, sister, grandmother, grandfather, and/or some of my friends over my house to protect me from the impending inevitability of suicide? Unfortunately, I would, again, have to say yes. My books and other reference materials were my only company, and I unknowingly liked it that way.
No person I knew became agitated over adverse weather conditions, albeit snow, rain, or thunderstorms. Since it has been clinically proven that autistics sometimes overreact to these conditions, I did happen to fall in a state of acute anxiety. Whenever it snowed out, either lightly or heavily, I felt so down and frenzied that I didnt have a reason to find hope. My social/communication skills were poor enough as they were, and I believe my learning disability only made my SAD worse than it really was. On the snowiest of mornings, I never wanted to get out of bed, get up from my office desk chair, or get off the living room couch. Even if most of the friends and relatives I cared about the most were there to help me get out of my slump, albeit at my house or via mail, e-mail, or phone, I just didnt feel like talking. Of course, my closest friends and relatives would ask me if there was anything wrong with me. In return, I would always say I was okay. But did I really feel that way? No. They would always ask me if I had a bad day at school, work, or some other public area due to bullying, sexual harassment, or some other atrocious act solely directed at me. The truth of the matter was that not all of my days were bad in a circumstantial way. Rather, it just happened to be that I was a hermit who had SAD and other acute forms of socially stigmatized weaknesses.
The American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association warn people that, if extreme feelings of sadness last for two weeks or more, regardless of what season it is or how bad the weather is outside, they should seek immediate professional help. Since they believed that traditional forms of communication on a daily basis were the best ways to treat my depression, my friends and relatives persuaded me to stay out of professional counseling. They didnt think it was right for me to explain my darkest fears to a professional who just sits on a large leather chair, listens to what I have to say, and gives no other advice except instructions for properly taking an antidepressant. Obviously, this is, in and of itself, another preconceived notion; after actually going through therapy, I realized that one could see it in an opposite light and fully realize that talk therapy can actually do more good than harm.
Suddenly, some of my closest friends and relatives had a radical change of heart as my depression worsened. They, as well as my all-important self, became more aware of how serious my mental illness was. They realized that I should, indeed, go to a mental health practitioner and get the best possible treatment I so desperately needed. Since my depression did happen to wear on beyond the winter months, I finally realized that it was something more than just a seasonal emotional sore. That said, my depression was not so much of a bad weather-ranting, autistic savant-babbling affliction as it was a straightforward biochemical imbalance. Also, I finally realized that it was not just those diagnosed with physical and intellectual disabilities that could eventually be diagnosed with depression some time in their lives. Rather, all walks of life, regardless of ones race, age, gender, ethnicity, disability, etc. could be diagnosed with clinical depression. For instance, some of the greatest actors, writers, composers, painters, scientists, politicians and other creative persons of the past few centuries have had prolonged bouts of depression throughout both their careers and their personal lives.
I am an artist in my own right, and I have no doubt that my darkest days only made me a stronger one as a result. I am an aspiring writer who is now willing to feel proud and happy of his creative accomplishments. I am also willing to make others around me feel the same way too, even if they have no writing bug whatsoever. Writing is, by no means, an easygoing craft one can pick up very easily. You are either born with it or have to go tens of thousands of miles to master it. We are all good writers, as well as decent painters, in some ways, but some are always better and more proficient than others. It is, of course, not always true that people like Hemingway, Lincoln, Steinbeck, Beethoven, Mozart, Van Gogh, Twain, Pollock, and other brilliant artists are afflicted with depression, bipolar disorder, and so forth. But what I have to admit is that it was unfortunate for me to not get to where I am now without first experiencing a dreaded mental illness thats hard to lay to psychological rest.
Fortunately, I did get the help I needed once I reached the mental breaking point. I now communicate with or talk to others I love and appreciate the most, even if they dont have the right prescription to send balanced chemical messages back to my brain. I now regularly go to see my psychiatrist, even if he doesnt know me on a more deeply personal level. I now go out and have fun with my friends more often than ever before. The list of positives goes on and on and on.
But what I now have to admit also is the fact that my depression may never go away for good. Prescription drugs (I take Paxil!) may reduce my chemical imbalances, but they can never make the bad chemicals go away once and for all. My caring and supportive friends and relatives can do all they can when I feel down, but chances are that they too will experience their own episodes sooner or later. So, is it possible that I will eventually experience a relapse sometime in the near or distant future? I would, once again, have to say yes! However, will I manage it better than I did before? Absolutely!
To Find Out More Facts and Figures About Seasonal Affective Disorder and Other Acute Forms of Depression, and to Find Out How They Can Be Treated, Please Visit:
WebMD Depression Center: http://www.webmd.com/depression/default.htm/
National Institute of Mental Health: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/healthinformation/depressionmenu.cfm/
American Psychological Association: http://www.apa.org/topics/topicdepress.html/
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